Monday, March 31, 2008

In a funk.

I have been having "one of those days" for about a week now.

My life has been really stressful lately, and I have been "self-medicating" myself with chocolate.

I know I should not be eating the way I am and it is getting me down, which just continues this cycle of beating myself up and seeking food for comfort...

I have gained nearly 4 pounds the last 10 days which just adds to my frustrations! I worked so hard to get back on track, then my period and "stress" erase weeks of hard work in a blink of and eye.

My inner voice is being a real bitch too. She is really on a roll and I can't get her to stop putting me down! I have enough difficulty in my life right now, I do not need to be beating myself up too!

I feel alone and depressed and I keep killing myself with food. Aaron says he is trying to help me, but he has grown distant. He says it's because he wants me to be "safe" but this distance makes me feel even more alone.

I used to feel like such a successful woman... but lately I feel like a failure, a totally screwed up failure!!! Am I losing my mind?! Am I a manic depressive? I don't want to keep up this self-destructive behavior!

Aaron has made an appointment for us to talk to a professional on Thursday to see what a she thinks. I am nervous about what she will say, and that just makes me seek food again!

I need to get better and hopefully I will be back to normal soon.

Jess

4 comments:

Helen said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down...sending you hugs and warm thoughts.....hope you feel better soon.
Hel x

Anonymous said...

You'll be okay. Just focus on all the good, beautiful things in your life. Stress can be a killer, don't let it get to you. Find ways to relax when you are stressed

Anonymous said...

Came upon your blog. Your weight loss is awesome. Keep up the good work. You can do it! I know you can. I recently lost 59 pounds and have gained back 20 of that but I am on a roll again. Keep you chin up. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Anonymous said...

P.s. Praying for you family.