Friday, October 3, 2008

How Can The Same Size Feel So Different?

I am feeling really funky today.

Yesterday I bought a new pair of blue jeans a Reward for being active for two weeks solid!

They were a size 16.

I remember back in 2004 – I was THRILLED out of my mind to be able to wear a pair of size 16s.

My husband got me a pair of black velvet cargo pants from the GAP for Christmas in 2004. He was like, this is either going to be the best present ever - or the most depressing...

I took the pants back into the bedroom. I was so nervous and thrilled. Would they fit!? I had not wore a size 16 since 5th grade! I sat on the edge of the bed and shook them out in front of me and said a little prayer. (Please GOD!! I HOPE THESE FIT!!) I stepped into the pant legs, so far so good… I then stood-up, and pulled the waistband up over my hips. Button. ZIP! OH MY GOD!!!! THEY FIT!!! I was SO thrilled!! I am a size 16!!! I am out of the “plus sizes”!!! I can buy pants in the “Normal” stores now!!! I just glowed with happiness and confidence being a size 16!! Check out my sexy velvet-covered SIZE 16 butt! Sizzle Sizzle!!

Yesterday however… being a size 16 was like being stabbed in the heart. “Oh god… I am back up to a size 16?!! A year ago I was a size 8… Am I EVER going to fit back in my 8’s again?” A dark cloud hangs about my head today. I am trying to stay positive, and everyone has complemented me on my new jeans… But each time they do I think… “BUT I AM A SIZE SIXTEEN!!!!!!” The knife twists.

This past year has been a weight loss disaster. My weight is so close to cresting the 200 pound mark again I could just cry. I want to cry. I just want to lock myself away from everyone and cry my eyes out. I feel like such a failure.

I read my old postings and I am jealous of who I was. Back when I would bitch about being “Still stuck at 158.” I want to scream. “WHY ARE YOU SO MAD about weighing 158?!?!?! I’d have to lose 40 pounds to weigh that!? You have no idea how good you have it!”

You never really know what you had it until it’s gone.

I have almost 60 pounds to re-lose, and I am in a horrible mood.

I am still counting my calories (the best I can) and trying to keep active. But I’m running out of patience. I have had a YEAR of stress and weight gain… and I can’t take much more of this. ARGH!

I feel like I have turned into 198 pounds of pure rage. I am guessing at the weight, but our scale should be moved soon, and I will post my real weight soon.

Maybe I should do more daily postings of what I really weigh. I'll share exactly what I ate and what I did for exercise. That seems like what I did in the past, back when I was successful.

Sorry to vent, but that's what blogs are for, right?

Take care,

Jess

11 comments:

airbear316 said...

hey, i'm a first timer reading your blog. i feel the way you feel...i lost almost 25 pounds, and then promptly gained it back over the summer...and then some. i will defintely be reading your blog, because it is real, and i can relate to it! i'd love to have the guts someday to have a blog like you do and just say everything...even if it is the hard truth. i'm pulling for you!!!

Amanda said...

Hey Jess... hang in there. I know exactly what you are going through, I had surgery last year too and gained all of my weight back... I am over 300 pounds again and I feel like a failure. The hardest part is getting started again... after that it seems to all fall back into place... it just took me a really long time to start thinking right again and treating my body with respect. You can do it Jess... start today! that 60 lbs will be gone before you know it :) I have faith in you!

Kerrie Jones said...

Hi- I feel for you- I have been there too- I lost 70 lbs back in 2003; felt so good about myself- and I too was a 16/18 then- 213 lbs- it was my lowest weight in 15 years. I am now 70 lbs heavier and have just recently gotten to the point where I am being honest with myself again and coming to grips with today is all I have. Just this day. What was in the past is gone- and what lies ahead of me is uncertain- but today- the sun is shining, I am alive and each meal I have I am being honest with myself. Sometimes I am saying hey- eat this- it will nourish you and you will be satisfied- other times its- I need something now- I'm hungry/sad/tired/fed up so I am going to feed myself. Either way- I am just striving for more of the first and less of the latter. You will get back there - I have faith in you!
Kerrie

Brigitte said...

This is just a temporary set back. You went trough a lot this year.
Just forgive yourself and go back at it.
The world is full of repetitive losers ( I lost the same 60 pounds 4 times so far but I am hoping that this time is the last one).
There is a percentage of people that lose it for good. And that is the goal. We know how to do it. We can do it. And maintain it. :)

lcinsunnysocal.wordpress.com said...

I love the analogy about a car: if you have a car, and it gets a flat tire, you don't just leave it by the side of the road. You change the flat, and then drive on.

You've got a flat tire, and you're ready to change it (right?) and you will then drive on and keep the journey going!

Hugs...we all love you because of who you are and how you look at the world, not because of the numbers. As we know, the numbers lie about us!

Cali said...

Keep pressing on! I'm glad I came across your blog because I'm feeling the exact same way. I'd loss 15lbs and felt good to be on track to getting down to my ideal weight...this is after having lost 40lbs several years ago and gaining 20 of that back. But I'm pressing on and taking it one week at a time. I went to the gym twice this past week and will go at least 3 times next week. Just be proud of what you've done and know that you can get there! You've done it before, right? See the positive in that. You'll do it again and do it better!

Anonymous said...

No time to pout. Pull in the lower lip, strap on your helmet and get to it! You've allowed yourself a little lee-way and been delt a few set backs (surgery). Over. Gone. Past. Now to get back in the saddle and focus. Pull the blinders tight, and work. Love yourself like you love your husband (it's apparent you adore him) Journal, journal, journal. And know that this group of support will be watching and applauding.

Jess said...

Thank you everyone for your comments! I took out my anger on my elliptical trainer and I have been keeping my calories under control.

I am VERY bruised and battered from the move this weekend. We moved a desk, and it fell out of the trunk and hit my left shin. OUCH! I thought about going to the "urgent care" and getting an x-ray, but instead I sucked it up and got things done.

I am ready for bed. So sleepy! :)

Linda said...

I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and you have inspired my to start my own. It's only a couple days old... But I wanted to say I know where you are coming from. In high school I lost 50 pounds, then after graduation I gained 140, now I'm 70 down. Relosing weight is hard but can be done. I look forward to seeing you reach your goal!

ana said...

Hey Jess, I've been reading your blog for about a year now. You inspired me to lose weight about a year ago and I lost about 10 pounds, but gained it all back and then some. I decided to re-visit the weight loss thing and have come to your site often to get motivation. I've lost 28 pounds, which is way easier than what you did the first time around! I have faith that you can do this again! You are truly amazing! Thanks for inspiring me and good luck with getting back on track.

Asri said...

Thank you for not giving a site full of whats the best cheap pills to lose weight on or other such rubbish.Its great to read someone so honest and down to earth who says how it is and doest make it seem simple,we all know its not a quick fix.