I am feeling really funky today.
Yesterday I bought a new pair of blue jeans a Reward for being active for two weeks solid!
They were a size 16.
I remember back in 2004 – I was THRILLED out of my mind to be able to wear a pair of size 16s.
My husband got me a pair of black velvet cargo pants from the GAP for Christmas in 2004. He was like, this is either going to be the best present ever - or the most depressing...
I took the pants back into the bedroom. I was so nervous and thrilled. Would they fit!? I had not wore a size 16 since 5th grade! I sat on the edge of the bed and shook them out in front of me and said a little prayer. (Please GOD!! I HOPE THESE FIT!!) I stepped into the pant legs, so far so good… I then stood-up, and pulled the waistband up over my hips. Button. ZIP! OH MY GOD!!!! THEY FIT!!! I was SO thrilled!! I am a size 16!!! I am out of the “plus sizes”!!! I can buy pants in the “Normal” stores now!!! I just glowed with happiness and confidence being a size 16!! Check out my sexy velvet-covered SIZE 16 butt! Sizzle Sizzle!!
Yesterday however… being a size 16 was like being stabbed in the heart. “Oh god… I am back up to a size 16?!! A year ago I was a size 8… Am I EVER going to fit back in my 8’s again?” A dark cloud hangs about my head today. I am trying to stay positive, and everyone has complemented me on my new jeans… But each time they do I think… “BUT I AM A SIZE SIXTEEN!!!!!!” The knife twists.
This past year has been a weight loss disaster. My weight is so close to cresting the 200 pound mark again I could just cry. I want to cry. I just want to lock myself away from everyone and cry my eyes out. I feel like such a failure.
I read my old postings and I am jealous of who I was. Back when I would bitch about being “Still stuck at 158.” I want to scream. “WHY ARE YOU SO MAD about weighing 158?!?!?! I’d have to lose 40 pounds to weigh that!? You have no idea how good you have it!”
You never really know what you had it until it’s gone.
I have almost 60 pounds to re-lose, and I am in a horrible mood.
I am still counting my calories (the best I can) and trying to keep active. But I’m running out of patience. I have had a YEAR of stress and weight gain… and I can’t take much more of this. ARGH!
I feel like I have turned into 198 pounds of pure rage. I am guessing at the weight, but our scale should be moved soon, and I will post my real weight soon.
Maybe I should do more daily postings of what I really weigh. I'll share exactly what I ate and what I did for exercise. That seems like what I did in the past, back when I was successful.
Sorry to vent, but that's what blogs are for, right?